Culturally Relevant blog about Twilight

In a last ditch effort for this blog to be somewhat culturally relevant I decided to hop on the bandwagon and write a post about Twilight. Now I have never read nor seen any of the Twilight books or movies but I thought to myself “Why not report on something I know nothing about?  Cable news does it every day!”  HEYO!

I never read any of the Harry Potter books either.  And I am glad I never did because every time I was leaving the theater after seeing a new Potter flick I would overhear nothing but a bunch of whiney know-it all’s complaining that the movie wasn’t as good as the book.  I don’t get these people.  If you are going to be disappointed by the movie because it doesn’t live up to the book then you probably shouldn’t read the book!  Movies tickets are expensive nowadays and you don’t want to cheapen the theatrical experience by frittering away your time reading.  At least that’s what my mother taught me.

It seems like the only reason they even write books is to advertise for the movie that’s going to come out about the book.  Take for example, say, The Bible.  I’d bet you anything that had The Bible not been written “The Passion of The Christ” and “The Ten Commandments” would have bombed worse than the 4^th Indiana Jones movie.  (Which coincidentally was not based off of a book.)

I wonder if this formula applies to other aspects of life.  If basing a movie off a book is the key to having a successful movie then maybe basing a job application off of a book would mean getting the job?  Perhaps you could submit your job application as a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book. 

“It was a dark time for Pizza Hut.  Their delivery boy had recently fallen victim to college graduation and was forced by his new wife, against his will, to get ‘real job.’  Pizzas were stacking up around the store by the hundreds because there was nobody to deliver them to the hungry citizens of Gotham City.  What is a Pizza Hut Manager to do in such perilous times?

Hire Isaac Thomas as the new delivery boy (turn to page 53)

Hope and pray for some other form of miracle (turn to page 79)

(page 53)  Isaac Thomas courageously steps into his new position as delivery boy, relieving thousands of Gotham City’s hungriest occupants from suffering the slow and agonizingly painful death of starvation.  Innocent lives are spared and even more important Pizza Hut is saved.  The mayor awards the key to the city to the Pizza Hut Manager for his wise decision of hiring Isaac Thomas.  Pizza Hut is forever indebted to Isaac’s selfless service.

(page 79)  Due to no pizza’s being delivered, innocent lives are lost as the city’s pizza supply continues to go undelivered.  Pizza Hut’s convenient location on Harrison Blvd becomes so full of pizzas that its management and staff are suffocated and burned by the pile-up of cooked pizzas.  The remains of the Pizza Hut are discovered by archaeologists two thousand years later.  Historians liken the findings unto the findings of the destroyed ancient city of Pompeii.  The only remnant of people found is the outline of a store manager trying to protect a small child from being burned by the explosion of melted cheese.”

So yea, that’s my blog about Twilight.

Paradisiacal Lost

According to the online profiles of all of the girls I’ve stalked, girls like a guy who is smart. As a corollary to this ascertainment it became manifest that it was absolutely compulsory for I to demonstrate my high phrenic character to my mulieribus colleagues. But how?

When I first came to college I thought that simply being a student at an institution of higher learning would give off the impression that I was intelligent. But I began to think otherwise my first semester when my roommate Henry tried to cook Ramen noodles in a toaster.

Realizing that simply being in college wasn’t enough, I needed to find another way to pass myself off as an erudite scholar. In order to win the heart of a young lady I decided that I needed to go to the library and for the first time do something other than check my Facebook. I needed to check out a book. Determined to prove I was smart I decided I would only use traditional means to locate my book of choice. I looked up a book up in the catalog and tried using the Dewey Decimal System to find it. I searched for about an hour until I finally came to the conclusion that I had absolutely no idea how to use the Dewey Decimal System. I ended up just Googling “How to use the Dewey Decimal System.”

With the aid of a search engine I finally found the perfect book to impress the ladies. I checked out John Milton’s classic poem “Paradise Lost.” I can’t imagine any girl not wanting to cuddle up with me on a cold fall day and listen to me read some old English poetry in a fake British accent. Now I only needed to find the girl.

There is a certain spot on campus where I’ve noticed girls tend to hang out quite a bit. I figured this would be a perfect place to perch and act like I was reading while I awaited the approach of the girl who would want to discuss literature with a knowledgeable young gent like me. And as luck would have it it wasn’t long at all until a lovely young lady walked up to me and said “What are you doing in the girl’s locker room?” “Oh hello.” I responded. “I was just committing to memory some of my favorite passages from John Milton’s classic poem ‘Paradise Lost.’ I bet your pretty impressed that I’ve read it so many times that I’m now starting to memorize it.” “I’m going to get campus police.” She responded. It was when she said this that I started to get the feeling that she wasn’t going to want to cuddle. Her loss anyway. If she can’t appreciate a well-read guy like me then she doesn’t deserve to hear me read poetry in a British accent. And for her sake I really hope it’s true that it’s better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. (See how I am applying what I read? I snuck that reference right in there!)

Well I guess if trying to pass myself off as a scholar won’t work perhaps I need to try some other means to pick up girls. Perhaps I could start cooking Campbell’s Soup in the dryer. It seemed to work for Henry.