The Tragic Tale of a Dewaholic

Hi, my name is Isaac Thomas and I am addicted to Mountain Dew

My mom always told me that Mountain Dew was evil. But she had spent several years in the Army, and spoke in Morse code so it was hard for me to interpret what she was saying. When I was in 6th grade I attended one of those wild parties your church leaders warn you about. The music was loud, the girls were wild (just so you know, a wild sixth grade girl is a girl that doesn’t wear pony-tails anymore), and the Mountain Dew flew rampant. I attended the party with a friend of mine named Matt. As we entered the party I promised myself I would obey my mothers wishes and stay away from the dreaded juice. But peers can be very persuasive.

Her name was Nadine. She was one of the few girls in 6th grade that had started going through puberty but was still shorter than me and also didn’t have a mustache. She came over and told me about this drink that made you feel alive, older, and less like a dork. The drink was Mountain Dew. She held out her hand, offering me a cup.

I held the cup in my hand. I could feel the bubble remnants bursting in my face. I could smell the sugar, I could see Matt hitting on a girl, unaware that his fly was undone. I knew I shouldn’t, I knew it was wrong. But there was something about this beverage that seemed to beckon me. It knew my name, it spoke my language, it was part of me.

Mountain Dew now runs my life. I had a successful job. I was a Chairman for a factory that specialized in making Number 1 fingers for sporting events. But I left it to be a janitor at a local bakery just because all employees get free Mountain Dew. I had a beautiful wife named Tabetha and a beautiful daughter named Nadine. (Who was named after the Nadine from the party, but I told my wife it was a name from one of Shakespeare’s lesser known plays.) Tabetha said I had to choose between them or Mountain Dew, Nadine said blagle. (She was still learning to talk) They are gone now. Last I heard Tabetha was dating the chariman from the company that makes the cheese hats for Packers games.

Hi, my name is Isaac Thomas and I am addicted to Mountain Dew.