The Greatest Victory of Isaac's Life

I was reading the school newspaper and I saw a little notice that said the newspaper was having a 90’s trivia contest that day in its office.  Considering myself an expert on all things 90’s I made my way up to the newspaper’s office to enter.  I entered and walked up to the 30 something year old secretary who was pre-occupied with a copy of ’17 Magazine’.  After waiting for a moment I said “Excuse me, I’m here to enter the trivia contest.”  “You’re here for what?”  The secretary responded.  “The trivia contest. I read in your paper that you were having one.”  “Nancy!”  She screams to somebody hiding in a back office.  “You know anything about a trivia contest?”  “No!”  Nancy yells back.  “Ask Tom!”  The secretary turns to a boy about 8 feet away who was staring at a computer screen with a look on his face like he wanted nothing more than to die.  The conversation that ensued was so golden I have to put it in script format in order to catch it in its full glory.

Secretary:  (Yelling at the same volume she yelled at Nancy) Tom!  (She pauses and for some unknown reason waits for a response)  Tom!  (She yells again as if he didn’t hear her the first time.)

Tom: What? (He mumbles without even glancing away from the computer.) 

Secretary:  Know anything about a trivia contest?

Tom:  I hung it on the wall behind your desk.

Secretary:  What do you mean? 

Tom:  The question for the trivia contest is written on the paper that is hanging on the wall behind your desk.

Secretary:  So what do I do with it? 

Tom:  You ask him the question.

Secretary:  Which one? 

Tom:  The one that’s written on the paper. 

Secretary:  Which paper?

Tom:  The one hanging on the wall behind your desk.

If I was Tom I would never glance away from the computer either.

To make a long story short, the question was “What year did the Soviet Union fall?”  I know a ton about the 90’s but I didn’t know this one.  So I took an educated guess and said 1991, which turned out to be correct.  There are a lot of other things I could tell you a lot about 1991.  It was the year that Nirvana’s “Nevermind” came out and ended the reign of Michael Jackson and the rest of 80’s pop from the top of the music charts.  It was the year Bill Clinton launched his presidential campaign.  And it was also the year my crap-in-pants ratio started to decline (although I must note it did not stop completely until Clinton’s re-election.)

But the best part of all of this is for my lucky guess I ended up winning a free iPod touch!  I know right?  I was expecting some Laffy Taffy or something.  Those suckers gave me a freakin’ iPod touch!  The new kind too!  It was amazing.  When I tell people I won the iPod I feel as if I sound like those wall comments that you get on facebook when your friend’s profiles have been hacked.

“Hey bud! How’vya been!  Just wanted to let you know I just received a brand new iPod touch absolutely free!  I saw the offer and I thought ‘what could it hurt?’ But it actually worked!  I think they’re only giving out a limited amount so you better hurry and get yours! Just click here http://thisisobviouslynotyourfiendfromthirdgradeimeanseriouslywhotalkstotheirfriendslikethishowstupiddotheythinkweare?//

Due to my parents being a weird cross-breed between Mormon and Amish I was never exposed to the latest technological advances growing up. So holding this iPod for the first time was a revelatory experience.  When I held it in my hands I said to myself the same two things a new father says the first time he holds his child.  “This is a miracle.”  And  “What am I supposed to do with this?”

 My roommates told me that the first few days I had it I sounded exactly like a senior citizen would if they were using it. They said they overheard me saying things like “Well I’ll be! This son of gun has internet access.” “Golly!  Whad’ya know? You can download an entire book onto this thing!”

After I had had the iPod a few days I was telling my friend about it and he asked if he could see it.  I handed it to him and he scrolled through it for a few seconds and then looked up at me and said “You don’t have any songs on here.”  I responded “Does it do that?”