The Utah Jazz are Going All the Way

Every year I write a blog predicting that the Utah Jazz will win the NBA championship and every year I am disappointed.  One might say “Isaac, every single year you predict that the Jazz are going all the way and every year you are wrong.  Why would you put yourself in a position to suffer even more public humiliation?” 

That is a good question.  And I must admit that oftentimes I feel like a naïve and overly trusting person in an abusive relationship.  If the Utah Jazz were my spouse we would have an annual conversation that goes something like this.

Utah Jazz: Isaac I know I’ve been bad to you in the past, but if you give me just one more chance I know things will be different.

Isaac:  But Jazz, you’ve told me the same thing year after year. You said you would put the family first!  You said you would take me and the kids to the championship.  I even believed you last year when you started off the season with a seven game winning streak. But in the end all you did was end up playing the lottery.  How can the kids and I ever trust you again?

Utah Jazz:  Well I’m different now, I’ve changed.  I spent a lot of time over the summer practicing and I got some new young guys that have a lot of promise.  If you’ll just give me one more chance you won’t be disappointed.

Isaac:  Promise?

Utah Jazz: Promise.

 (Utah Jazz and Isaac share a teary-eyed embrace)

But I honestly do believe the Utah Jazz have all the potential in the world but I think in order to succeed in Utah they need to learn a couple of things.

I went and watched the Jazz have their pre-season scrimmage.  Before they started playing they brought the team out on the court and asked each player a question or two.  Judging by the players responses I'm pretty sure none of them took speech class when they were in school.  It was nothing but a bunch of incoherent jive. 

"So Paul Milsap, what are you looking forward to in this season?"

"Ayknow jusa wanna gidutder n dowudado."

“Jeremy Evans, how many alley-oops do you plan on dunking this year?”

“Wessi, whenim upinda ai owlimdone is jus takincur abusiness.”

As each player answered another question the white, working class Utah crowd grew more and more frustrated. 

“Derrick Favors, what part of your game did you work on over the break.”

“Aughsujhghcdssgdagfbgjbaskteball.”

After several of these players had answered I overheard a very Utah looking man say to another “Well golly Hyrum, I cannot understand a word these brethren are saying!”

Perhaps when an NBA player gets drafted or traded to Utah they should put them through some sort of mini-course to teach them how to communicate with the locals.  They could learn phrases such as

“Thanks again for the cheesy potatoes Sister Steed.  They filled me right up!”

And

“I didn’t know I was speeding officer!  Honest to goodness!”

And in winter they’ll need to know

“Hey moron with the California license plate!  It’s freakin’ Utah!  It snows here!  If you can’t handle it then you should’ve stayed the heck in California!”

But anyway, I am just so grateful that the NBA is back and I am glad that the year the Jazz will win the championship is finally here.  What?  Why are looking at me like that?  You just watch they’re going to do it.  Things will be different you’ll see.  They promised.